These are hard times, my friend!

Hopefully you'll find a few new laughs here.

So, here we go:

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age. 'The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well. '

'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine. 'So that was nice.'

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'

A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners

'So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said, 'You are.'

'So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ' Is that the local swimming baths?' He said ' It depends where you're calling from.'

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind', so he gave me a kite.

I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu. So I went, and I got it.'

I was in the attic the other day with the wife. Damp and dusty.........but she's great with the kids!

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house'. He said 'I'm not stopping you.'